Ho, Ho, Who?

Wait a minute, wait a minute... I've got to catch my breath from laughing so hard. Let me see if I've got this straight. There's a big fat guy in a red suit who flies all over the planet and goes into every single house (Jews and Muslims excluded), dropping off presents and eating cookies? And he does this all in one night? Come on, I mean even allowing for difference in time zones the dude can't have more than twelve hours to do it all. Not to mention the fact that by the time he hits the last place he's put on an extra 125 pounds in chocolate chip and oatmeal raisin.

I'd feel bad for the kids this yarn is spun to were it not for the fact that the little yard apes have such wonder in their eyes when you tell them. Well, that plus the discipline factor is awesome: "Now, Johnny, I'd hate to have to tell Santa that you didn't finish your creamed corn." Nice touch, mom. This is where hamsters and fish would make for a much more plausable story. For starters, I'd be able to fit down even a European chimney way easier than the average white male. And crossing large bodies of water would be a lot easier for TaTa than even for me (and I have a pretty decent backstroke). Combined I think we'd make an awesome St. Nicholas. And that's another thing - why so many names, buddy? Who exactly are you hiding from?

Santa, St. Nick, Kris Kringle, Uncle Fredo... the list of aliases never ends. Seems to me like the guy is hiding something. And what's with the "jolly old elf" moniker? I thought "happy senior little person" would be more politically correct. Call me Ebenoodle Scrooge, but I smell a rat. And did I mention the fact that the last time I checked reindeer have no wings? Side note: If TaTa and I wake up Christmas morning to a new hamster wheel and rainbow gravel, I take it all back.