Gobble This

Ah, the crisp smell of falling leaves, the chill in the air, the barking dog version of Jingle Bells at Walmart. It must be the holiday season... or at least the first week in November. Whatever happened to waiting till Black Friday to break out the holiday decorations? I haven't been around too long, but it seems like only yesterday we enjoyed just one, good solid month of Christmas preparations. The month of November used to be dedicated to this antiquated holiday known as Thanksgiving. You recall the 4th Thursday of the month, right?

That's the day when, despite the fact that it's a holiday, you have to wake up at the crack of where-the-hamster-sun-don't-shine to start rolling pie dough. Then while you try to peek in the living room to watch the same boring parade in the rain as last year, you set the timer for the turkey that will need more babysitting than your own offspring. But that's the easy part. At 1:30 the in-laws arrive. Then it's nothing but serving highballs and making sure the cheese dip doesn't run out. "Harry, can you run to the CVS and get more ice? The fridge died and I don't want the cranberry sauce to get warm." Dudes, you may laugh, but I've seen this script in action and it demands a curtain call. I mean seriously, even God took a day to chill. At least when everyone finally rolls home you can call it a day, right? Nice try.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Now you've got seven and a half hours of dishwashing ahead of you before you can close your eyes for about 20 minutes. Why only 20 minutes? Well, you need to hit Macy's for the 5:3o sale the next morning. Face it, if you're there any later than 5:47 you miss out on the extra 3% off eyeliner. Maybe it's just the fact that I don't have access to any cash, but what's the rush? You have a whole month to go sprint-shopping. I've seen my owners jump through more hoops over the holidays than Martha Stewart makes useless potholders. What am I doing this turkey day? Maxing and relaxing with my boy TaTa in front of the tube to watch the big Ohio State game, that's what. If we had pants, we'd even undo the button. Hey, to be honest, TaTa's just glad no one serves fish for Thanksgiving. I still don't know how I'm gonna break it to him about the seafood infatuation some folks have on Christmas Eve.