Win One For The TaTa

"That's enough, Reggie."

That's how it all started, but I should back up a little bit to bring you in on the Rumble in the Jungle. My owner apparently decided one hamster wasn't enough, so I woke up four days ago to the sound of foreign snores in my palatial estate. At first, I thought I'd been dreaming about breathing through a wet rag, or maybe we'd moved closer to the shore. But it turns out that neither was the case. I suddenly had a roommate named Reggie.

At first I thought it would be cool. We could run mazes together, talk about which celery is tastier (foreign or domestic). You know, fun stuff like that. But I quickly realized that Reggie was way more interested in treating our whole situation the way Marsha and Jan couldn't wait to pull a Code Red on Cindy. This new guy couldn't ask enough questions about TaTa, and that instantly made me suspicious. Then when Reggie's Spanish Inquisition was over, he moved his line of thought into all but water boarding my friend (which I guess would need to be more like air boarding since he's a fish and all). At first he just did dopey stuff like slap his paw on top of the water, but it quickly moved to unplugging TaTa's bubble treasure chest (the one where the little diver's head pops out - it's cute). Unacceptable. My room temperature blood began to boil. I was like Popeye watching Bluto hamster-handle Olive Oyl. Now this is the cool part where my saying "That's enough, Reggie," came into play.

This rat-excuse for a cuddly hamster swings around out of nowhere with a roundhouse kick. But I knew it was coming. I effortlessly raised my right paw to block it, twisting one of his claws in the process. Unfazed, Reggie was back up, swinging and flailing like the amateur that he is. Launching myself off my ferris wheel, I did a spin flip, catching both sets of his whiskers and landing him on his back. In hindsight, it felt like it was all in slow motion. He did get one good swipe in before I bought him a one way ticket to Unconsciousville. Grazing my chest with his hind leg he actually drew some blood, but the coolest part came next. I made no squeak. I just looked down, wiped the blood with my paw and touched it to my tongue, all the time not taking my eyes off him. I know, totally Bruce Lee, right? I'd go into how I finished him off, but there may kids in the room. You're welcome, TaTa.